Whether you freedive or tankdive, dive shallow or dive deep, shoot hogfish in the Middle Grounds, white seabass off of Cali, red snapper on the Louisiana oil rigs, tickle lobsters off the Florida East Coast, or even slay ulua in the Hawaiian Islands at some point nature will call.......with an amplified bullhorn. In this vein I have taken it upon myself to inscribe a primer of taking a dump at sea to help those who miles from the comfort of their own shitter feel frustrated and helpless against the intestinal reality facing them in the untamed vastness of the ocean wilderness. So with a plate of Hooters hot wings sitting before us, let us begin our journey.
The "Classic" Gunnel Hunch While the term "gunnel hunch" now encompasses all forms of oceanic shitting, the true gunnel hunch technique is one that is still widely practiced and revered as the true path by hunching elitists. To perfom correctly the person in need of emptying their bowels (henceforth to be termed the "huncher") drops neoprene and sits on the gunwale of the boat facing inward. In the next step the huncher slides backwards until the back of his knees lock the upper corner of the gunwale, and the anus becomes free and unbound by fiberglass. Depending on factors such as sea conditions, whether the vessel is in gear, and the projected force of the impending bowel movement, the huncher may also firmly grip the gunwale (gunnel) with his hands. This causes the huncher to appear hunched over, and thus the origin for the classic technique's name.
Pros- As mentioned this is the classic technique which when done correctly identifies the huncher as a master of his craft, garnering respect from all on the vessel. It can be done without needing to take off dive gear, and is quick and efficient. Provides the huncher with the opportunity for the rare and elusive "coast to coast" (unbroken log from ass to waterline) depending on the vessel's freeboard.
Cons-Depending on the width of the gunwale the huncher may not be able to tuck his junk all the way back which may lead to embarrassing urination on legs and wetsuit. Balance may be an issue in heavy sea conditions which can cause an inadvertent frogman style backflip in mid hunch. Neophyte hunchers with poor hunching skills may also streak the side of the boat with ass gravy, a source of much consternation for vessel owners.
Bucket Bombing With this technique, the huncher simply sits on a five gallon bucket that has been prepped beforehand with several inches of salt water at which point hunching procedures begin in earnest.
Pros-As opposed to the classic hunch, sitting on a bucket provides familiar pressure on the ass cheeks reminiscient of one's flush toilet at home. This allows the huncher to relax, and hunch more naturally. With hands free, the huncher has the freedom to read a magazine, smoke a cigarette, or even drink a Mountain Dew Code Red while hunching.
Cons-As with the classic technique, bucket bombing provides little in the way of privacy which can be disasterous for those that are "poop shy". This method can also be hazardous as the bucket is apt to begin sliding in heavy seas. On wide beam boats this can turn the huncher into a pinball as he helplesssly careens mid hunch into dive tanks, coolers, and other occupants of the vessel.
Platform Powerblaster This hunching faction is somewhat limited to vesels with viable dive platforms. The huncher simply squats down as if he were a baseball catcher about to snag a fastball from Roger Clemmons on the dive platform while gripping the transom with one or both hands, and begins hunching activities.
Pros-Since the huncher can tuck in behind the transom, a measure of privacy is attained that classic gunnel hunching or bucket bombing cannot provide. The squatting posture allows the huncher to bear down in case of constipation, and all hunching residue is typically sent downcurrent away from the vessel.
Cons- An errant swell exposes ass and taint (AKA- the nad sack/bung hole demilitarized zone) to 50*-65* ocean water which can be potentially hazardous in winter diving conditions. Danger of hunching over scuba divers performing safety stops directly below also exists.
In Water Hunching This is the easiet method requiring the least bit of training in which the huncher simply jumps in the water to hunch.
Pros- Best of both worlds by providing a measure of privacy since all hunching activities occur below the surface but allows the huncher to continue a conversation if desired. Treading water while hunching promotes cardiovascular fitness while simultaneously taking a massive dump.
Cons- Depending on the consistency of the hunching material, the huncher could find himself caught in a cloud of his own hunch. Encounters with other organisms while hunching play a factor. Free swimming remoras (AKA-turd burglers) could become an annoyance or frighten the huncher if they are large. Jellyfish and other stinging coelenterates could spell disaster to a huncher's exposed nether regions.
Marine Head This technique is no different than a typical terrestrial hunch. The huncher must be aware however of the fickle nature of a marine head even under the best of conditions.
Pros- As mentioned this provides the most "normal" hunching conditions affording the huncher with at-home style privacy. This method is the most conducive to a blumpkin should the opportunity arise.
Cons- As also mentioned the nature of a marine head causes it to malfunction as often as it functions properly. A back up could leave the huncher with a "gusher", dowsing the cabin area with a vile witches brew. The cramped quarters of the typical marine head could lead to claustrophobia, and trapped methane adds to sea sickness, or even pose a fire risk.
Now that we have learned the various gunnel hunching philosophies, let us review the various methods of post gunnel hunch mitigation.
Toilet Paper- Not the best choice under most circumstances. The wet and damp conditions of dive boats allows standard toilet paper to get wet turning it into useless pile of paper maiche.
Paper Towels- The heavier paper weight of paper towels keeps it from getting as soggy as toilet paper, and the rougher finish allows it to work more efficiently. Can be problematic especially after eating spicy food the night before.
Sargassum/Kelp- The most natural choice which can scooped up as it drifts by. There have been reports of sargussum fish being lodged deeply in a huncher's sphincter which needs to be taken carefully into account.
Salt Water Washdown- Untold millions of people in Europe and Asia use the water jet of a bidet as an every day post hunching mitigation method...why is the American psyche so intrinsically opposed to this? Quick, clean, and easy providing the maximum mitigation. The salt in salt water also provides an antiseptic astringent that leaves the sphincter refreshed and ready for a day of intense spearfishing. Care must be taken with high pressure washdowns as it may permit salt water to penetrate the sphincter/colon barrier imitating the effects of an enema. This could lead to explosively violent gunnel hunches minutes later.
That finishes my gunnel hunching primer. I hope that in some small way I have helped divers worldwide become better spearos by eliminating confusion surrounding gunnel hunching, and allowing them to focus more on achieving their spearfishing goals. I also realize that like BBQ and chicken wings (which incidentally are the cause of much gunnel hunching) both having vast regional differences each claiming to the "best", there are probably gunnel hunching methods that I have not described, or variations of the ones above that are conducted differently so please feel free to share your best practices. Thanks.....
