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Joke

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Seadog:
THE PERFECT HUSBAND

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone rings on a bench and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everbody else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: Hello?

WOMAN: Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?

MAN: Yes.

WOMAN: I'm at the mall right now and found this beautiful leather coat.
              It's only $1,000.00. Is it OK if I buy it?

MAN: Sure...Go ahead if you like it that much.

WOMAN: Thanks Hon. I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw
         the new 2005 SLE convertables.  I saw one I really liked.

MAN: How much?

WOMAN: $90,000.00

MAN: OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.

WOMAN: Great! Oh, and one more thing...The house I wanted last year is
              back on the market.  They're asking $950,000.00

MAN: Well go ahead and make them an offer of $900,000.00.  They will
         probably take it, but if not, we can go the extra $50,000.00.  If it's a
         pretty good price and it's what you want.

WOMAN: OK. Thanks Honey. I'll see you later. I love you so much!

MAN: Bye! I love you too!

The man hangs up the phone.  The other men in the locker room are all
staring at him in astonishment and amazement, mouths agape....

The man smiles and asks:

Does anybody know who's phone this is?

Kaczki:
:D

JimCt:
Ralph arrived at his Internal Revenue Service audit accompanied by his
friend. The IRS agent assumed the other man was Ralph's attorney.

Going over his records, the IRS official said, "Well, sir, it appears that you live at a much
higher level than your reported employment income. How do you explain that?"

Ralph replied, "I love to gamble and I usually win."

The skeptical official gave him a disbelieving look.

"I can prove it," said Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

 The official thought a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph said, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thought a moment and said, "No way! It's a bet!"

Ralph removed his glass eye and bit it.
 
The official's jaw dropped. Ralph said, "Now, I'll bet you two
 thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The official could tell Ralph wasn't blind, so he took the bet.

Ralph then removed his dentures and bit his good eye.

The stunned official was now three grand in the hole!

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asked. "I'll bet you six thousand
dollars that I can stand on your desk and pee into that wastebasket
by the door over there and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, was cautious now, but there's no way this guy
 could manage that stunt, so he agreed again!

Ralph climbed up on the auditor's desk, missed the wastebasket completely
and pretty much peed all over the agents desk.

The agent just grinned, he was really happy now. He had just turned a huge loss
into a huge win! But then he noticed that Ralph's friend looked ashen
and was visibly shaking. "Are you okay?" he asked.

The man replied, "Not really. Before we arrived, Ralph bet me twenty thousand
dollars he could pee all over your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

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